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Kicked out of the Garden

Embracing Diversity as a Way of the Heart

John Hunt Publishing Ltd.

CHAPTER 1

In the Beginning

When I was 9, my parents sent me away to church camp. It was my first time away from home. It was also where I first heard that Jesus had a message especially for me. I was told that he had come to earth to show me who God was, and how God saw and felt about me. This got my full attention, and from that moment on I was dedicated to discovering more about this great mystery. I looked forward to going to church with my family each week, and as I learned more about the teachings of Christ, I fell in love with this great being.

I was also told how I was supposed to act in order to have a relationship with the God of all Gods.

I tried very hard to become all that I was told God wanted me to be. It was important to me that I pleased Him in the "proper" manner. This led to many years of trying and pleasing, which put me further and further away from my own heart and voice.

In church I was told that the only way to know God was by accepting Jesus as my personal savior. I didn't know what this meant, but because I so dearly wanted to know God, I pretended to understand and I acted as if I did know. I was afraid that if I voiced any difficulty, I would be rejected from the fold of believers. And yet I could never make sense of it; something was always missing. Accepting Jesus fully and completely was the foundation of my faith, and yet I couldn't feel the depth of this critical piece. I began to think that there was something wrong with me because of this.

What I did know was how I felt about Jesus, and how his presence affected my life. He gave me great strength in difficult times, and I could sense his love for me. I didn't have the same sense about God though. I didn't feel worthy of God's love. Even when I could feel how much God loved others, I couldn't feel it for myself. I was told that the reason Jesus came to earth was so I could see how much God loved me, and yet I just couldn't fathom it.

By the time I got to college, I had decided to become a missionary. I thought that helping others find God would help me find the piece that was missing for me, the one that would connect me to the Great I AM presence. I was certain it would fill the void inside of me that caused me such great despair.

I began to strictly follow all the rules of the church. I was told that if I lived this way, I would be a viable asset to God. In spite of these efforts, I eventually realized that I was just like the whitewashed tombs that Jesus spoke of: I was all clean and nicely painted on the outside, but on the inside there was decaying flesh.

Outwardly I was following all the rules; inwardly I felt unacceptable because of the way I was thinking and feeling. I believed that the thoughts and emotions I had were not what a good Christian woman who loves God should think and feel. But the more I tried to control them, the heavier my life became and the stronger my depression. I hated that depression. I tried everything I could to get away from it, only to find that the more I ran, the more powerful a hold it had on my life.

"What's wrong with me?" I asked myself. I had no apparent reason to be depressed. My life was full and I had a loving family. I enjoyed my friends and I was cared for in every way, and yet this cloud of depression just kept getting bigger.

By then I was well into college and decided to change my major from missions to art education, which took me to a state school in Ohio close to my family. I realized that I was most gifted in art and creativity, and although I still wanted to help people find God, the missionary curriculum was just too dry. I was also starting to question all of the beliefs I had held.

During this time, a friend had a serious hiking accident that put him in a semi-comatose state. I was very upset by this and wanted so much to help him. I remembered the story in the Bible about faith the size of a mustard seed being able to move a mountain. So I began to pray diligently for his full recovery. I tried so hard to be that mustard seed, but no matter how hard I prayed, my friend didn't recover.

To me, this proved once again that I wasn't good enough. My insides didn't match who I appeared to be on the outside. I realized I only believed what I believed because it was what I had been taught by my parents and the church. I had never openly questioned these teachings or considered that there might be another way to feel God's love and presence in my heart. I continued to address the emptiness I felt by trying to do more of what I thought was expected of me—what I had been told would please God. But I felt worthless and faithless and couldn't imagine how the God of Gods could find any favor in me whatsoever.

As time passed, I was ready to forsake all of the beliefs I had grown up with. Except for Jesus, for it was only through him that I felt any kind of connection to God. Even then, I still didn't know how to separate him from all the rules I had learned growing up. I believed that if I stepped away from God, I had to step away from Jesus, too. I soon came to the painful understanding that I had no faith and very little love.

It wasn't until I noticed how limited my love was for others that I began to sense the difference between me and the Christ I loved and tried to emulate. His love was unconditional. My love was conditional. I felt that the people in my life had to believe and speak as I did in order for me to accept them. I had so many judgments about others, and judgment definitely wasn't what Jesus came to show us. I lived my life feeling less than the person I actually was. I never felt I was enough.

The problem is that when you feel that you are never enough, you spend all of your time trying to justify your existence. And if you live your life trying to justify your existence, the hole inside of you gets bigger and emptier. You try harder and harder, only to feel less and less worthy. I was trapped in a vicious circle of unworthiness. Jesus always spoke about freedom and love and how our cups would overflow with the beautiful fruit of the spirit. Yet I only felt limitation and shame for what I was not. I had no idea how to connect with the abundance and life that Jesus described. The rules I had always attempted to follow left no room for passion or joy.

When I was young, I prayed to God to free me from my passion because I felt passion would lead me to being out of control. I now know that passion is one of the greatest guides to an open heart. It was the lack of passion in my life that made it hard for me to live freely and joyfully. Since then, my prayer has changed to, "Great Mystery, free me to live my passion."

Passion springs from the soul and sings the song that removes any obstacles that prevent our heart from opening. It allows the heart to lead us on our journey. And when the heart is leading, our dance becomes flowing and graceful. Our journey is filled with the joy, freedom, and beauty we never realized was there to be received. I believe that this is the reason Jesus came to earth and embodied the essence of the Great Divine. He came to show us the way back to ourselves and to our true passion for life.

So many of us are unable to step back into the garden of our heart because we've separated from our own soul. This is what leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and unworthiness, and ultimately causes us to lose our heart connection. I tried to bridge that gap in myself by doing mighty and loving works, only to find myself worn out, depressed, and discouraged. My life felt like a boulder I was pushing uphill. I see this in others' lives too. The more we push, the further we get from our heart and its calling. And when we are not fully present in our heart, we can't live up to the standards that we set for ourselves. We are blind to the image of God that is reflected in us and can only perceive what we lack.

When we cut ourselves off from the living waters of our heart, the fruit of our soul cannot help but get old, dry, and bitter from lack of sweetness. I saw this happen to my mother, and couldn't let the same thing happen to me or my own children. So I joined forces with my heart, stepped out in new ways, and watched as my life and the lives of those closest to me transformed.

Now I no longer struggle with depression. I live my life to the fullest, and I'm committed to allowing the truth in my heart to be my compass. Although this led me to leave my marriage of 28 years, it has also been the gateway to many miracles. When I left, I told God that I would only follow my heart if He promised to take care of my husband and my seven children. This He has done beyond my wildest dreams.

CHAPTER 2

My Beloved Mother

The person who prompted me to begin my healing journey was my beloved mother, Erika Elsa Zendel, who left this world in December of 2009. As a young girl I was awed by her beauty and spirituality. She was an amazing beacon of light.

My mother was born in 1934. Her parents were German immigrants who met in America. My grandmother came over by herself in search of greater opportunity. My grandfather came over to repay a family that had sent his family money, food, and supplies during the First World War. The supplies this family sent allowed my grandfather's family to keep their welding business going when many other businesses were not able to survive the war. Because of this, my great grandmother decreed that one of her six children had to go work for this family to thank them for all they did. At that point, my grandfather was the only son who didn't have a family of his own, so they felt he would be the best choice.

My mother was the only child to grace my grandparents' life, so all the focus was on her. My grandmother was very controlling and protective and made all the decisions for my mother. She decided what my mother would wear to school every day, all the way up through high school; she also decided where my mother would go to college and what she would major in. My mother wanted to go to Miami University in Oxford, Ohio, and major in business, but my grandmother decided that she would go to the Conservatory of Music in Cincinnati, Ohio, and major in voice. This lack of freedom left a very strong mark on my mother.

My mother was a deeply spiritual woman. When she was young, many people flocked to her door for teaching and spiritual advice. She was very organized and people enjoyed following her. She always assumed leadership positions in whatever area she chose to focus on. The majority of her focus was on the church. My dad, on the other hand, "never met a stranger," but wasn't able to step into the deeper realms of conversation with people. He always thought everyone was coming to see him, but in reality, it was my mother that drew people in.

As my mom aged, fewer and fewer people came to her door for advice and teaching. Her beautiful light seemed to get dimmer and dimmer. What seemed to be putting it out was her anger. She was angry at her family, and especially angry at my dad. I believe my dad was a very needy man, and that my mom had let him feed off her their entire married life. He had low self-esteem and always looked to her to tell him he was alright and that his choices were good. My dad constantly wanted building up and my mom thought it was her role in life to do so. It seems like my dad always did what he wanted to do. And if that wasn't working, my mom would scramble to make it right. Whether the issue was raising three children or managing the finances, my mother was always the one responsible for making life work.

My mom never allowed herself to do what she wanted to do. She always did what others wanted her to do, and this took a heavy toll on her soul. In the end, it left her with little ability to show love. As she got older, she was constantly frustrated. I watched as the fruits of her spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, and kindness—rotted away. Instead she became bitter, angry, and afraid.

This change in my mother has always plagued me. How could this happen to a woman that loved God and other people as much as she did? She was such a beautiful beacon of love and light in her younger years. What happened to the beautiful life of grace and joy that God promises those that love Him? The most certain thing in my mom's life was her love of the Divine, and she pursued this love with a vengeance. So how did her life become so limited and full of anger? I had to find the answer to this question because I saw so many parallels between her life and my own. Was I going to end up as unhappy as she was? Was there anything I could do to change that for myself?

Witnessing this sad transformation made me afraid to grow old. I had seven children of my own and I didn't want to pass on a legacy of fear. As a result, I began to ask myself what had gone so very wrong to allow someone as beautiful as my mother to change so drastically. The answers helped me find the courage to step out of my comfort zone and into my healing journey.

As I looked back on my mother's life, I saw that her great desire to know God and her love of humanity created a life filled with much responsibility. This responsibility seemed to deplete her light and her gifts more and more as time went by. She started to resent all that was being asked of her, whether it be by the church or family or friends. Her passion for life slowly disappeared as she became more controlled by the external world and its needs. For her, everyone else came first, and she made herself available to whomever she felt was most in need at the time. "Most in need" could never be her, and so she lived her life in a continual double bind. My mother's desire to serve, combined with her inability to listen to her heart, provided her with few options for true love and freedom. There was no room for her to follow her heart or her passion.

I remember the two of us sitting at the kitchen table, having what I thought was a wonderful time making flower arrangements. But she was unable to allow herself to relax and enjoy the moment, choosing instead to talk about all of the things she should have been doing. And so the opportunity to take pleasure in doing something she loved with her daughter passed her by. Another time, she shared with me that out of all the fruits of the spirit, it was the fruit of contentment that she could never get close to finding.

To be truly content, our heart and our actions have to be in alignment. We have to be completely present in the moment. Whenever we leave the heart out of the equation, contentment will elude us. And until we are content with what is, we can never really know what it means to die to the self and be free to follow our heart path. To be content means our insides and our outsides are congruent. This allows us to be free to be ourselves and let go of the parts of us that no longer serve us; the parts that prevent us from finding our soul.

For me, dying to self means stepping out of my head and into my heart, or out of the literal and into the metaphorical. The head only enslaves us with words like "should," "must," "try," and "obligation." The head possesses no magic.

By the "self," I mean the voices that come from my head. Some people call it the "small self" or the "negative ego." These voices tell us to try harder, and drive so many of our actions with fear, guilt, and shame. These are the voices that distract us, telling us that we don't make the cut before God and that what we want doesn't matter. They are the voices of the "shoulds." It was these voices that enslaved both my mother and me into doing good works. We both believed that they were coming from God. We had been taught that God's wants were non-negotiable, written in stone, and had nothing in common with our own wants.

I now believe these voices try to fill the void created by our desire to be closer to God, but only cause misery and insecurity. They tell us to do more and more to fill the bottomless pit of our unworthiness, and rob us of the life of abundance God has waiting for us if we will just allow it. The way to allow it is to begin to live life through the heart, which means listening to our heart and honoring it.

My mother wasn't able to see the connection between listening to her heart and knowing God. For many years, I was under the same illusion she was: the illusion that diligent service and sacrificing the desires of the heart would bring us closer to the Divine. Fortunately, I have found that if I want to experience the great abundance that God promises, I have to step out of my head and into my heart. I can't find it externally by doing good works, hearing the right speakers, or filling my head with knowledge about the Great I AM.

As I stepped into my heart, the voices telling me I was not enough got quieter. I came to understand that they were not of God, because they were driven by everything that is not love. God is love; therefore the voices of negativity cannot be of God.
(Continues...)

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Excerpted from Kicked out of the Garden by Kimberly Ruth Taylor. Copyright © 2012 Kimberly Ruth Taylor. Excerpted by permission of John Hunt Publishing Ltd..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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