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CHAPTER 1

Compassionate Self-Analysis

Compassion is the greatest attribute of kindness. It's desirable, if not essential, to learn to have compassion for ourselves first, to strengthen our spiritual core, and then this kindness can pour easily onto others. Compassionate self-analysis entails changing well-established patterns of thinking, old habits of behavior, and replacing them with positive alternatives.

One pattern of behavior which is prevalent in societies of any kind — be they religious, civic, educational, familial and so on — is that of judgment. We judge others in a split second simply from their outer appearance or an action. Yet we know that our physical body is just one of the many layers which make up this person that we are on Earth. We know that behind our physical appearance lies our real self, and that to be the recipient of harsh judgment ourselves is hurtful. We feel it as a punch in the solar plexus, our center of energy in the body. Judgment literally knocks the energy out of us.

For me, judging people began as a piece of childhood fun. My sister and I often engaged in this game — as we saw it — for the self-centeredness of childhood blinds us to the feelings of others. This co-dependence allowed the pattern of behavior to continue unchecked: sitting in church on a Sunday whispering derogatory remarks about others; harshly judging others we saw on television; in fact, in all areas of our lives. This pattern continued into adulthood and became the norm for me as it is for many others.

When we first begin our compassionate self-analysis, our initial emotions can be those of shame and regret at our past behavior and unkindness. But know that when we go through the process of handing our past behaviors over to God/the Universe, we free ourselves of regret. It allows us to view judgment as a learned behavior and to progress to the next step of actively and sincerely choosing to do things differently from now on. A sincere desire to change is essential, however.

Practice 1: Handing over unkind thoughts or habits to God

For the first part of this practice, you will need a pad of paper and a pen, or, if you prefer, a tablet computer or PC. If you find it difficult to write, many tablet computers or smartphones have a microphone icon in the keyboard which allows you to dictate and the computer will automatically convert this to text.

Whichever method you choose, the purpose of this practice is to honestly acknowledge your unkind habits of behavior or thinking. Write each one down. Use the following headings as a guide:

What is the unkind thought/behavior?
Start with those habits which come to mind first. Here are some examples to guide you: saying sorry all the time; complaining about pain; making snap judgments of others based on their appearance or actions; a defeatist attitude; grieving for your past self; temper tantrums; impatience with yourself or others; fear of change; talking yourself down and so on. Look at all areas of your life: relationships, profession, leisure, education, spiritual, mental, physical.

Now, for the second part of this practice, sit quietly for a few minutes where you won't be disturbed. Try to slow down your breathing and sit very still. Concentrate on your breathing. Notice how the in-breath feels through your nose and the out-breath from your mouth. Focusing on your breath calms the mind and body, allowing you to access the 'inner you' — the real self, your innate wisdom. Sit like this for a few moments until you feel more relaxed, breathing softly. Now, recall the first behavior habit from your list. Bring up the earliest memory you can of this and try to see yourself in the memory. Imagine how this behavior is hurting yourself or others. Try to analyze the behavior in a detached way and reason in your mind an alternative, less harmful way of dealing with things. Sit with this process in the stillness and acknowledge this past behavior. Notice with the curiosity of an onlooker the emotions this memory stirs within you. Now take a deep breath in, breathe out through your mouth, and as you do, release any regret, guilt, or shame. Affirm out loud that you sincerely choose to do things differently now, and then hand it over to God or the Universe.

As soon as you hand something over to God, fill the space with love. Imagine the love as a bright white light coming in from above your head to rest in your heart. Feel the heat of this light; see it glowing in your mind's eye, filling the space left by the clearing. This unconditional love feels amazing when we allow it prominence. It reminds us that we are an amazing reflection of God. In order for us to be closer to the Creator we need to love ourselves first, and this clearing exercise will go some way towards achieving this. Sit quietly now for a few minutes and enjoy the stillness and peace within.

Practice this gentle self-analysis and compassionate forgiveness regularly, at least once a week, taking each behavior in turn. You will need to revisit these issues in the future, as they will surface again and again until you have dealt with them fully and sincerely. It's so important to rid ourselves of stuck emotions and unwanted habits of behavior, for left unaddressed, these blockages can lead to us becoming 'stuck' on our life path and unable to move forward.

There are many guided meditations available online (either free on YouTube or available as apps to download onto your phone or computer) to help release blockages and encourage feelings of connectedness to others. Please refer to the Further Reading and Multimedia List at the back of the book for my recommendations. Another useful tip is to stick post-it notes up where you will see them regularly throughout the day. Pin one up for each issue you deal with. For example, you may write on it: "I choose to speak kindly of people" or "I let go of regret and shame." It feels good to unburden ourselves of these past behaviors which no longer serve us.

Crystal therapy is an interesting subject which I have only just begun to investigate more fully. Crystals work with the energy meridians and chakras in the body, in a similar way to yoga, tai chi, acupuncture and Reiki, to maintain a state of balance. The chakras are believed to be the energy centers of the body-mind. Whether or not you subscribe to this belief, it is universally understood that our emotional and mental health has an effect on our physical health: put simply, if we are depressed, our bodies 'contract.' This tension has a negative effect on muscles and connective tissue, resulting in us having less physical energy. Conversely, the happier we feel, the 'lighter' we seem to be; our muscles are relaxed and more blood is allowed to flow, resulting in us having more energy. The seven major chakras run in a line from the groin area up to our crown. The heart chakra in particular connects us with our environment and others. Indeed, our breath is shared with the space and the people around us. As our poor behavior choices result from negative thought-patterns, continuing to make poor choices closes off our heart and creates a 'separateness' from others. We become more detached and cannot move forward on our path. To be kind to ourselves, we need to realize that we are not separate but part of the Whole, be that family, neighborhood, society, country, world, universe, God.

I wear a rose quartz crystal pendant which sits at the level of the heart to amplify feelings of connectedness to and love for others. According to Philip Permutt, author of The Complete Guide to Crystal Chakra Healing (see Further Reading List), rose quartz is known as the "love stone" and "soothes upsets and emotional wounds." Malachite is also associated with the heart chakra, bringing calm. Crystals may be placed on the site of the chakra on the body as you meditate to release these emotional blockages which are themselves the causes of the learned behaviors and thought-patterns which you wish to relinquish. Alternatively, you can place a crystal inside your clothing or in your pocket as you go about your day and also under your pillow at night.

Even if this therapy does not resonate with you, know that it can do no harm. It's strange that we take science, medicines and traditionally accepted therapies such as counseling, physiotherapy and so on as fact — as proven treatments. Yet we do not do likewise with other therapies with which we are unfamiliar. We seek proof of their efficacy. All we require is faith.

No matter what our issues in life, at times we need the assistance of an 'expert,' be that a medical doctor, a physiotherapist, a psychological counselor and so on. My chosen experts at present are beyond the field of 'traditional' healthcare. They are a Reiki therapist and a Spiritual Response therapist. I have found both of these therapies to be beneficial, not only to emotional health but to physical and spiritual wellbeing also.

Reiki is a gentle healing for the whole body where the therapist lays his/her hands over, or gently on, parts of the body in turn to release blockages and re-energize. Reiki flows through the affected parts of the energy field and charges them with positive energy. "It raises the vibratory level of the energy field in and around the physical body where the negative thoughts and feelings are attached. This causes the negative energy to break apart and fall away. In so doing, Reiki clears, straightens and heals the energy pathways, thus allowing the life force to flow in a healthy and natural way" (from www.reiki.org). Sometimes you may feel that part of the body buzzing as if an electrical current were being passed through, or you may experience a sensation of warmth or involuntary muscle jerks. Just trust that all is being done for your highest good. At the same time as the therapist is channeling Reiki to me, I inwardly affirm my intention to release any and all emotional or behavioral blockages. A good Reiki therapist may come to you if you are unable to travel. Reiki can do no harm. It is a joyful, effective, loving kindness to yourself which I thoroughly recommend.

Spiritual Response Therapy (SRT) works quite differently from the above energy meridian-based treatments. "The SRT therapist will work to research and clear old past life programmes, vows, blocks and clear karmic records etc using a pendulum and charts" (from www.livinglightly.co.uk), allowing us to progress more smoothly on our life path. The pendulum is used as a means of accessing information not available to our conscious minds from our intuition. This can be anything from analyzing nutritional deficiencies and food allergies, to assessing compatibility of medication, negative interferences, past-life traumas, problems with teeth/mouth, relationship problems with family members and so on. (Please see Further Reading List for more information.) I have received SRT 'clearing' on a few occasions, some in person, others by distance healing, and have felt an almost immediate shift as the problem/energy block has been lifted. This has to be carried out by a trained SRT therapist but is extremely powerful and worthwhile.

CHAPTER 2

Celebrating Your Good Qualities

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

Siddhartha Gautama (Buddha)

This chapter celebrates you. Remember that this 'you' is composed of many layers, each interwoven with and interdependent upon the others: personality type, character traits, body type, childhood conditioning, psychological makeup and so on. Many of us are predisposed to focus on our negative points, and if this is with a view to self-improvement, then that can be a positive thing. However, if this negativity is solely as a means of self-punishment, then it is fruitless. It's much more loving to yourself to recognize and celebrate all the good qualities which you already possess, an abundance of kindness inherent within each of us.

The Buddha reminds us to love ourselves as well as others. He is telling us that we are worthy and that our worth is equal to that of any other man (or woman). Why do we find it so difficult at times to show kindness to ourselves and, more especially, to celebrate our good qualities? Cultural reasons may account for some of this. In some countries or societies, it is viewed as inappropriate to 'boast' about ourselves, as people may believe us to be immodest and elitist. Peer pressure and a desire to be liked/loved lie at the heart of it for others. We want to fit in with the norm, do as everyone else does. For others still, it's generational. You don't 'blow your own trumpet.' Organized religion has played its part too, encouraging humility and a dependence on God for all our goodness (God-ness).

Self-awareness seems to have been rather demonized over the years and used as a means of control over others. Be assured that it is not solely concerned with knowing our 'bad' points but also and especially celebrating our good ones. I reluctantly use the words 'good' and 'bad' here, for I believe everything about us is essentially good. We are worthy. We are good enough and we deserve our love and affection as much as anybody in the entire Universe.

Practice 2: Focus on your positive qualities

Your kindness practice is to note down your good qualities. Do not focus on your physical attractiveness here, for your body is just superficial, a skeleton which we have to allow us to move around in this world. That's not the real you. If you find this task difficult, ask a friend or family member to help you. It is undoubtedly easier to list negative points about yourself, but shyness and modesty have no place here. You have many good qualities.

You may find it helpful to divide your list into four 'strength' areas: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Here are some examples to help you get started. Under physical strengths, perhaps you are a hard worker or you take care of your body by exercising. Under emotional strengths, are you a good listener? Perhaps you are even-minded and not prone to emotional highs and lows. In terms of mental strengths, an ability to multitask when required could be added to your list, as could a tenacity in distracting yourself from pain by engaging in a mental activity such as a Sudoku or crossword. Kindness and compassion towards animals, a sense of gratitude for the blessings in your life, and meditating could all be listed under spiritual strengths. As you go through your compassionate self-analysis, and continue with this practice, recognizing your good qualities, you will come to realize that we all put on masks throughout our lives and these masks also change over time. We become the person that we think other people want us to be in life, clothed in the many layers of personality, character, culture, religion and profession.

Write a couple of your good qualities on post-it notes where you will see them regularly as you go about the house. The power of positive thinking is well-established among psychologists, hypnotherapists and self-help authors alike. Positivity diminishes and counteracts any negative thoughts we have which may taint our view of ourselves and prevent us from taking action. For example, if we think we are going to have a bad day, we probably will; if we think we are unable to paint, then this will reduce our motivation to even try and we will always be bad at painting in our minds. Positive thinking does change our outlook on the world. I use it every minute; each time I have a negative thought, I immediately replace it with a positive one. Think the best of yourself — always. Be grateful for all the good qualities which you possess. Love who you are now, accept who you were in the past and don't worry about the person you might become in the future. Further, if you love God, it follows that you have to love yourself because we are all reflections of Him. So, stop hurting yourself and start loving yourself from this day forth, faults and all. It's the ultimate kindness for you.

Practice 3: Mirror-gazing activity

Mirror-gazing is an established meditative practice with some claims of entering altered states of consciousness after prolonged single-pointed focus, gazing at one's reflection. Rest assured you will not be doing that in this instance. The aim of this practice is not to enter a deep meditative state but rather to boost your confidence and self-love in an easy, practical way, to help you see who you really are and to reinforce positive messages about yourself. It has been a comfort to me and effective at lifting my mood. Sit in front of a mirror, or hold a small one up in front of you. (If you prefer, look at a photograph of yourself.) Look into your eyes in the reflection. Breathing softly and slowly, just gaze at your reflection for a few moments. Let your face soften and look into your eyes (or the space between them).

(Continues…)

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Excerpted from "Acts of Kindness from Your Armchair"
by .
Copyright © 2016 Anita Neilson.
Excerpted by permission of John Hunt Publishing Ltd..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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